I hate these kind of days. They are often Sundays. The kind of day where you are just waiting for tomorrow. There are so many things you could do and yet you don't want to do any of them. But at the same time, you don't want to do nothing either.
So you just fill time with whatever. Some videogame here, a little bit of cleaning there. But you do it all without much conviction, half focused thinking about how you don't want to do it.
It's not boredom, it's just that nothing is appealing not least nothing itself. The air is still, there aren't really much sounds coming from outside. Cats and dogs are sleeping.
And you feel the guilt of wasting a day. Because you can clearly see all these things you could do. All these things you tell yourself you'd do if only you had the time!
And now that you have the time, it has to fall on one of these days. Those where life is heavy. Those days you wouldn't regret if they never existed. You don't even try to find meaning, there is none, it's just time that has to go forward and all you can do is wait. Because the next day you wake up and everything is fine again. You do the things you are supposed to do and live your life.
I wonder why these days exist. Or more importantly, how to avoid them. I thought the secret was to force yourself to do stuff and eventually you'd be into it and life moves on, but here I am writing these lines thinking that I'd rather do something else. But what?
———
Writing this a few minutes later after having given it some thought. I think I figured it out, the problem is not that I want to do nothing and not do nothing either. It's that nothing is viewed as a bad thing. Being aware of the shortness of the time on earth is the curse here, it gives this feeling of it's not ok to lose a day like this, cause I only have so many left.
But when I look at my cats and dog, they just bloody don't care. They're laying in the sun and they'll get moving when they get thirsty or hungry. They don't think that if they spend their day sleeping that's time they could have spend doing something else.
And I think they are right, I should just accept it and stop seeing it as waiting for tomorrow but instead see it as a quiet safe and comfortable present where I have food, water and a roof over my head.